


Every Day's A Test

by aleksrothis



Category: 18th Century CE RPF, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-16 18:01:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5835433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aleksrothis/pseuds/aleksrothis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the moment they met, they would never be the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Going with the historical timeline here rather than the musical but physical descriptions left deliberately vague so feel free to envisage your preferred version

_August 1777_

John takes a deep breath, trying to ease the tightness in his gut. There's no need to be nervous, he repeats for the dozenth time. I am absolutely qualified to serve as an aide-de-camp. It doesn't matter that my father got me the position. It doesn't matter that it is unpaid and unofficial. I will prove myself worthy of it. Keeping that firmly in mind, he steps up to the command tent and pushes the flap aside. 

Two of the three men look up at his entrance. General Washington is unmistakeable and the second man had been speaking French so, from his youthful appearance and aristocratic bearing, he supposes this is the young Marquis his father had mentioned - La Fayette, wasn't it? The third man, who is still writing, he doesn't recognize at all, but feels oddly drawn to all the same.

As Washington speaks, the scribe finally looks up and John isn't taking in a word that is being said. He hadn't known eyes could be such a color -almost violet- and hold so much intelligence. Their eyes only meet for a matter of seconds before the other man blinks and turns to the General but in that moment his breath catches and the world seems to stop. When it starts up again, John cannot understand how no-one else seems to have noticed when he know he will never be the same. 

He comes back to reality and a deep silence; the three men all looking at him expectantly and he inclines his head in politeness, stuttering through his own greetings. This isn't the first impression he had hoped to give the General but hopefully Washington will think it nerves and forgive him. Besides it is no longer the General's opinion of him John is concerned about. His gaze is inexorably drawn back to the beautiful man at the General's side, those eyes... Such thoughts may be wrong and he will never tell the other man but just being near him will be enough.

*

Writing in English as Lafayette dictates in French is a challenge, but Alexander still hears the hesitant footsteps outside the tent. Even so he refuses to look up at the newcomer entering. It will be Washington's newest aide, who else would be interrupting without urgency, and he is determined to show the South Carolinian no favor. Why should he be handed on a plate the same position Alexander had worked so hard to earn just because his father was important in the Continental Congress? 

His pen scratches across the paper and he has to stop as he realizes he is pressing so hard he risks breaking the nib or tearing the paper. He can't let Washington know it bothers him or provoke another of Lafayette's seemingly innocent questions. This is his best shot at getting the field command he desperately wants and he will not throw it away. Still, he cannot ignore Washington when the General begins to make introductions and so he looks up to meet the other man's gaze head on, not sure if he's expecting a spoilt dandy or another sturdy fellow in the mould of Tilghman or Meade. 

Instead he meets an earnest gaze and can't look away for a long moment, until Washington breaks the silence to introduce them. Laurens seems flustered and Alexander would put it down to the effect of meeting Washington except it is him that gaze keeps returning to. Washington dismisses them, leaving him to show Laurens around the camp and introduce him to his duties. He wants to be indignant but it is impossible to begrudge Laurens who seems eager to be friends, when he eventually finds his tongue. 

Lafayette follows to the quarters the three of them will now be sharing, eager to practice his rapidly improving English on a new person and is quickly delighted to discover Laurens has travelled in Europe and speaks fluent French. Alexander is torn between happiness for his friend and further resentment at all the ways Laurens is clearly more suited to this role, by birth and the way he conducts himself. Alexander is ashamed of the way he keeps finding his gaze drawn to the South Carolinian, especially when Laurens only smiles at him in response. If he knew where Alexander's thoughts were drawn he would surely be less cordial. Still, by the end of that first day they are firm friends, as baffling as Alexander finds it.

***

Alexander never brings up his background but one day, as John complains about having to write his father for more clothes, he sees pain in his friend's eyes as he turns away. Lafayette pulls him aside later to explain that their Hamilton has no family and no wealth and furthermore that he does not take kindly to charity. Not for the first time John is ashamed of his wealth and upbringing and wishes he could do more with it; Alexander has achieved so much from so little and so he is determined to make use of his privilege.

Before he knows it John is swept up in the day to day tasks of running the camp - how did he ever think this would be an honorary position? Some days they write so much his whole arm cramps but he wouldn't change it for the world, the chance to be close to Alexander. He has never known anyone like him - his new friend never stops, writing or talking, and they find they share a certain view of the world, an obligation to move forward. At nights, John lays awake thinking of Alexander within arm's reach but still so far away. He never passes up an opportunity to touch and Alexander never draws away, if anything he seems to welcome the physical contact, but John is ashamed that his intent is less than honorable.

*

Laurens is so enthusiastic about their friendship, Alexander feels guilty about the way he yearns for more. They work well together, as much as he chafes at the hours spent at a desk when he could be actually fighting for their country. He knows Washington considers him invaluable; he does the work of two aides at least, his mind still working faster than his pen, but how long will that last? Lafayette completes their trio but his place at Washington's side is assured, so long as they hold out hopes for French aid. Still, Alexander feels out of place at their side, at times when they talk he is acutely aware of both how far he has come from St Croix and how he can never escape his origins.

He burns with the need to prove himself but Laurens is able to calm his mind, slow down the flood of thoughts. Being around the other man is a comfort as much as it is a constant ache, weighted by the inappropriate train of his thoughts. He seeks out female company in an attempt to distract himself, gains a reputation, but it only works fleetingly. As soon as he returns to their shared quarters, the longing returns. He tries to content himself with the brief touches which are acceptable between two friends, only then is he close to satisfaction, but he knows they will never mean as much as he wishes.


	2. The Battle of Brandywine

The thrill of battle has receded and John's ankle aches where the musket ball had clipped him but it is only bruised and he tells everyone he is fine. Besides, his injury is nothing to Lafayette's; Washington even sends his own physician to treat him, wounded while rallying Stirling's retreating troops. John has an anxious night, waiting with the other aides to hear how their friends have fared, as the last of their forces limp into Chester. Alexander has been sent off on a urgent mission to burn the flour mills at Schuylkill to prevent them falling into British hands and John cannot wait to meet up with him again. He cannot seem to settle with neither of his closest friends here.

Over the following days, messengers are constantly coming and going so John, unable to walk without pain, finds himself frantically writing responses, wishing he had Alexander's easy skill with a quill. Then one afternoon sudden silence falls and Washington calls them together with a terrible expression on his face. What news can have affected the General so? As he reads aloud the letter from Lee and as his voice breaks on the words 'sadly I believe Col. Hamilton and his men were drowned' John's world falls apart. There is a hole in his chest, tearing him apart and he cannot breathe. How can the world continue on? He cannot imagine living without his Alexander.

He does not know how he makes it through the rest of the day. Just as night falls, there is a commotion outside the tent and a beloved voice that he must surely be imagining. He would fear he has gone mad except he looks up and meets the eyes of the other aides - they are hearing it too. John knows he should stay at his work but he has to see Alexander with his own eyes. He doesn't remember making his way outside but then Alexander is in front of him and John's hands are shaking and it is taking all of his will not to hold him and never let go, tell his dear boy how much he means to him. But even in the midst of this emotions he knows how inappropriate his affections are, could never burden Alexander with them. And besides he has a wife and daughter back in England, for all he has never mentioned them to Alexander, he must not dishonor them. Oh, but he never knew before Alexander what it meant to give your heart to someone.

*

After the initial shock of his reappearance had passed, everyone is determined to catch him up and Alexander realizes he came out of the battle best of his friends, though the tightness in his chest tells him he is lucky not to have caught a chill from his dip in the freezing water. Laurens has a swollen ankle and is limping, though he insists he is fine, and Lafayette is laid up recovering from his wound. Washington sends him to relieve Monroe of the burden of translating and the Frenchman is keen to tell him about the battle. Lafayette sighs over Laurens' recklessness, confiding in Alexander that he fears their friend has a death wish, how it was mere chance that he had not been killed. There is a cold lump in his stomach at the thought and he thinks of the Carolinian's face when he had got back from Schuylkill. Did Laurens share his feelings? Is this why he had seemed so relieved at Alexander's survival? After all the loss he has experienced in his life, one more death should make no difference but the image of his Laurens laying dead leaves him in a cold sweat, a weight in his stomach. It is wrong to feel this way for another man, he knows, but he cannot turn his heart aside.

Washington intercepts him outside Lafayette's lodgings with his revised orders; he is to set out for Philadelphia in the morning. He leaves his Excellency visiting with Lafayette and heads to look for Laurens, needing to reassure himself his friend is alive. He finds him still writing, trying to finish up a letter in the fading daylight, and takes the moment before he becomes aware of his presence to take in that beloved frame. Laurens reaches the end of his letter and finally looks up; his smile warms Alexander like the sun.

Laurens leads him to their tent and, when they are finally alone, they embrace. It is no different before except in all the ways it is. The relief Alexander feels at feeling Laurens safe in his arms is incredible. The very air about them feels charged and he realizes they are leaning closer and closer and then their lips meet. The kiss is everything he ever wanted but like all good things it doesn't last.

"Alexander, no," John says, pulling back.

Alexander's heart is facing and he has a moment of fear that he has misinterpreted the situation, that Laurens is about to reject him, spurn his friendship.

But his hands are still holding him tight, not pushing him away. "We should not be doing this." Laurens sounds as wrecked as he feels.

"Do you not want this?" he asks, unsure what he will do if Laurens says no.

*

"I've wanted you for so long..." he tells Alexander, hardly able to believe this is real.

"I never hoped you would feel the same," his Alexander says, face flushed.

John feels his heart skip a beat "How could I not love you?" he says, helplessly, overwhelmed by the realization his feelings are returned.

Alexander smiles. "I wish I had known sooner." He raises a hand to cup John's cheek but he flinches away. "What's wrong?" Alexander asks.

John hates the way Alexander's face falls and wishes he could reassure him. "It is unlawful, Alexander," he says as gently as he can.

Alexander only shrugs. "Is it not worth the risk?" 

John aches to hold Alexander close. If only it could be, yet, as Washington's aides, they are under closer scrutiny than the common soldiers and even their quarters are not truly private . "Why take the chance? My dear boy," John thrills at being able to call him that out loud, "I am satisfied with this."

"Yes," says Alexander, impatient as ever, "but must we be? My love for you is pure. Why should acting on it be wrong?"

"It doesn't matter." John wills Alexander to understand. "The cost of being caught is too high." He thinks of his father's face twisted in shame and disappointment: he had disapproved of Martha, how much more so his friend, not only a man but a penniless immigrant orphan. He wishes it was otherwise but a relationship is impossible. 

*

John is right. Alexander has so much he wants to achieve and a dishonorable discharge would ruin that, let alone the fate he could expect if caught in an intimate act. In this, no amount of eloquence could protect him, though Laurens' family connections would probably save him the noose. "I wish I could convince you otherwise" John is biting his lower lip and Alexander longs to breach the distance between them, kiss him again until they are both breathless.

"Alexander, please," John's voice cracks and he knows he could persuade him, but he must not.

"No, I understand." He squeezes John's hand tighter. "We must be as Damon and Pythias, the sacred bond of friendship alone."

John looks at him fondly and Alexander would accept a thousand pains for that look, this is no different.

"Perhaps," he says, thinking of his political studies, his plans for the future, "after the war, we can build a nation where, a hundred years from now, no-one will be able to tear those like us apart." 

John's smile gives him hope and they embrace once more. His desire remains but it is banked for now. Somehow it is easier knowing his feelings are reciprocated even though they can never be together as they might wish. The burden is shared.

*

They move on with this new knowledge but it changes things. Every day's a test, the bond between them burns. Every touch is charged with the love they share, knowing they can never demonstrate it any other way. They cannot tell the world what they feel for each other but must hide it under the guise of camaraderie. In every word, in every letter, they try to tell each other how they feel, without revealing too much. Alexander is much better with words, or braver perhaps, skirts the line with careful euphemisms and classical allusions. John doesn't have his eloquence but he trusts his dear boy to read between the lines.

*

The secret they carry is like a flame, warming every exchange even as it threatens them with destruction. Sometimes Alexander fears John does not expect to survive the war, is counting on death even to clear his honor. Alexander does not know how he could go on without him; he cannot seem to die but everyone who loves him has, it is his curse. He focuses on turning John away from his dark thoughts, reminding him he is loved in words, as he cannot in actions. It isn't enough but he always knew it would never be.

**Author's Note:**

> 1) I'm a Brit so please excuse any UK spellings which have slipped through


End file.
